I keep thinking I should post something here, and I keep not thinking of anything to post.But something came up recently.
It used to be, when I was part of the church organization, that my friends were the people who were like me, who believed what I believed, who were as dedicated to the church structure as I was, who even dressed like me. We were friends based on a similar religious practice, similar child-rearing styles, similarly traditional marriages. I valued a friend by how much like me she was. Not always because she was kind or loving or generous (sometimes, sometimes not), but because we held to the same theology.
My friendships were measured by sameness. By common ground: bible study and parenting group; women's retreats. Likewise, I was measured by my friends the same way; I wasn't always thoughtful or pleasant to be around, but because I had right beliefs, I had value.
Things have changed for me a great deal over these un-churched years.
The friends I have made since leaving church are not much like me. They are varied and colorful and alive....and the measure of these friendships is Love.
I had a birthday recently...and one of my relatively new friends called to say she was stopping by unexpectedly to bring a gift. It was a thoughtful gift, and I loved it. But more importantly was the spirit behind this gesture...she went out of her way to think about, plan for and recognize my day. Simply because she Loves me enough to want to. She and I are alike in ways, but we are different in many more ways...and I value her because she Loves me, not necessarily because she's like me.
Friendship should be measured by Love; in gestures, words and a listening ear.
I'm so thankful for the lesson I learned in this...for I still find myself wanting to be measured by sameness and similarity...because it's easier than making the effort to Love someone.
I pray I will continue to learn to be a friend based on Love.
4 comments:
What blows me away is that your friend went out of her way. When we've parted ways with past church friends, that separation of location, even though we're still in the same town, was too much to overcome. We had a relationship based on happenstance, just spending some arbitrary time in the same arbitrary spot. And when that was gone, the friendship dissolved. Anyway - that's really cool to hear, and we've got friends like that, too, not tied to place and time.
Rick - This is actually a new friend, i.e. one who I've met since leaving church. Several of my best friends from when I was in church live 1-2 miles from my house, but, like you said, that was too much to overcome once we didn't have church in common.
But I love having friends who are not tied to "sameness".
Erin, thanks for this post. It is funny that is one of the reasons I never felt comfortable in the churches I would visit. Everyone looked alike, everyone dressed alike, everyone had the same haircut, the same smile.
That is what I love so much about the church I finally landed in = is the sheer diversity. Cultural, age, economic, even degrees of theology (from hardcore Catholic - to more ecumenical, etc) etc.,etc. but the spirit of unity is most evident.
However, it is not close to where I live or where I work. I did a "commute" calculator on the internet and what I spend in gas and wear on tear I could be giving to poor or something :o(
Seriously, My husband and I have had some blows financially and otherwise this past couple of years and we are looking now at how to cut back spending even more. With gas prices the way they are....I have to take a good long look at the churches closer to home/work, and at least cutting down the number of days I go to the "good" one. May sound odd but we have Mass everyday, and always something going on.
Long story, but your post struck a chord in me. Not in the exact same experience you have had, but in that I may find like you did, that I will probably be able to find wonderful friends and diversity in people outside of any particular situation. Like you said "based on Love"
I can have, even be, the diversity/love/light/friend/whatever I need in any situation by just being true to my nature and allowing myself to surrender to the moment GOd has presented to me.It is hard though.
Thanks again,
Peace and Love
Keren
Keren - I really get what you say about finding the right place close to home. The place I've landed is also diverse...but it's over 10 miles from my house.
I like the last thing you said about being true to your nature and surrendering to what God has presented you. I wish that for myself, too.
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