I was lost in thought the other night and it startled me when my son rapped on my door and swung it open suddenly. My instant reaction to fear is anger, and so the first thing I snapped was, "Don't do that! You scared me." Carman said he just wanted to tell me that he was sorry that he hadn't spent any time with me that night. He had friends over, and they'd all been hanging out together. Still feeling churlish about him startling me I picked up on the first negative thing I saw and said, "I thought you were going to shave," which of course had no bearing at all on the conversation.
I've been thinking about my knee-jerk reaction to things, and how I sometimes respond in such negative ways. I mean, how many 17-year-old boys would even think about telling their mother they're sorry they haven't spent time with her? Next time I feel that instant urge to react negatively, I'm going to try and just sit with it a minute and see if I can let it simply wash through me, see if I can be conscious of Love inside me instead. I think the most loving thing I can do sometimes is to give my emotions pause, bite my lip and keep my mouth closed for a moment. There's wisdom in the old adage to count to 10 when you're feeling angry. I don't have to let my feelings boil over and control me; I can pause and call Love to the surface. Goodness, how I struggle with my humanness sometimes.
13 comments:
anne, here's what i'm wondering...we are conditioned to engage the world and interact with people out of our "false self" - that part of us programmed by hurt, fear, feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness, etc...
behind all that is our "true self" - that self, which is Loved and accepted by God, full of worth, value, and at peace. maybe the "ten second" adage is a helpful tool for observing the "false self" and shifting to the "true self." just a thought.
Jim, I like your thought. When I read "true self" it felt like my spirit was affirming that because of the peace I instantly felt.
What I attribute to my "humanness" could really just be the false self conditioning. I'll be thinking about that each time I respond to people now. Thank you.
I too tend to lash out at my family and those who I know love me. Ask my Him, he gets the brunt of it!
I think alot of us are this way, but it's funny how I am easier on aquaintances and strangers, and when I am certain someone loves me, I can really let them have it. It is like deep inside I trust them to continue loving me even when I am a perfect idiot.
All that said, everytime I have one of those knee-jerk responses I feel worse and worse about about it. Hopefully one day I will be able to, like you said, be aware of what is driving the response and it is not really me.
I continue to be so very grateful to God and all the people that love me through and with and hopefully past my idiot-ness.
Peace!
thank you for such wisdom anne, portrayed in this intimate moment between you and your son and God. i love hearing your thoughts on this.... as i struggle DAILY with what comes out of my mouth, usually directed at my children and my husband.... i want peace and love to flow from there.... not disgust because a room hasn't been picked up, or disapproval because there is a dish in the sink....
and thank you keren as well, for your thoughts.... your transparency is refreshing... i especially love this sentence:
"it is like deep inside i trust them to continue loving me even when i am a perfect idiot."
i resemble that remark.... :-)
Darla, "coincidentally" (ha) I was reading at lunch today the book by Nouwen you sent me. He talks about the "first love" of God, and how that unconditional love is imbedded within each of us. It's so easy to get caught up in the "second love" of human encounters that often have the shadows of negativity that incarnational love doesn't possess. Today I am trying to give someone all of my attention when they speak to me, to listen with great Love, to speak with great Love. I pray the more I am conscious of that Amazing Love within, the more it will flow from me. One of the blessings of Turn Love Inside Out people is having others I can share both my struggles with and my heart's desire to Be Love. My thanks to all of you for walking along side me.
What a struggle this one has been for me also. I find myself nitpicking on the little things, when really these little things just don't matter at all.
10 seconds can be so hard... sometimes I am good at it, but sometimes it's really challenging.
I try my best to apologize, especially to my oldest (about to be 6) but this is so hard to explain to that age...
Looking forward to reading more from this... keep it up!
What's interesting is that there's really no formulaic answer. How tempting it is to offer a checklist of "how-to" things to be more loving.
I think transformation comes with time in the quiet, time in the giving, time with the Source of Love...and yet - there will always be six-year-olds to humble us. :)
We all struggle with this. Everyday. I really like the ten second idea, and the "false self" that Jim tied in with that. I think you're definitely right about transformation coming when we spend more time with Love. Something we could all use.
By the way, I shaved. I think I clean up well :).
Carman, it's a joy having you blog here. And indeed, you do clean up well. :)
Anne-
Wow! What a cool thing. We often have these opportunities, and we often react in the same way, but what is really awesome is how you have processed this and the conclusions you are reaching through it. You are a blessing and encouragement, and your son's openness and trust for you are a testimony that you are doing many things right!
Blessings!
Jeff
Sometimes I find that my nitpicking comes from the perfectionism that I struggle with and the temptation to expect if from others. I also find, that the more stressors around me, the more clutter that's left when we are rushing from place to place, the faster I snap at my family. I have been challenged to sit them down from time to time and to apologize, explaining my weaknesses and asking for forgiveness. Amazing how forgiving a 10 and 6 year old can be. How insightful they have become also. Thank you, Lord for patient children, a loving husband, and gently guiding me in yet another way.
Jeff, thanks so much for such life giving words. I'm still pondering that "false self" that Jim mentioned. I think the more I can connect with Love/God, the weaker that false self becomes, or my reality changes and I see negative, exterior things with a different, true, perspective. Just discussing it here has helped with that awareness. Less of me, more of Love. Blessings to you as well!
Kendra, there's something about talking/writing out loud that helps us see ourselves more clearly at times, don't you think? Thank you for sharing so openly the ingrained patterns in your life that have been struggles for you. I remember once when my oldest child was a toddler and all dressed up to go somewhere. He immediately found a mud puddle and sat right now in it and started splashing. My first inclination was to scream "NO" and grab him. But then for some reason instead I just sat down on the porch steps, watched the delight in his face, listened to his laughter, and just savored the joy of a child and the immense love I felt. Obviously I haven't always reacted that way. But the more I grow in the truth of Love, the more I desire just being Love. I'm striving to let the chaos of the external not penetrate the deep peace and Love of the internal/eternal. I think that's what I'll light a candle for today for all of us.
Post a Comment