Lent 2009: Day 20

A Lenten Journey Through the Spiritual Alphabet
Psalm 119

Yodh (part 2)
Show me compassion that I may live,
for your teaching is my delight.
Shame the proud for oppressing me unjustly,
that I may study your precepts.
Let those who fear you turn to me,
those who acknowledge your decrees.
May I be wholehearted toward your laws,
that I may not be put to shame.
****
I am compassionate: Forgiveness Understanding and Clarifying Expectations.

I’m writing Day 20 now because my husband is scheduled for surgery tomorrow and will be in the hospital most of the week. There may be a complicating factor which I wont mention now, but I will let you know – some worthwhile things are never easy.

All in all, I was wondering how I was going to write my "Lenten daily” in the hosptial, because I do not have a laptop, and lo and behold, today, my lovely friend Lyn offered to loan me hers. Tomorrow, however, I am going to try to go to Mass first thing so I probably won’t have time to do anything else before we leave for the hospital.

My “I am light” post this morning, quickly turned into “I am wanting to throw up”. I am nervous about this week. This will be the third big surgery my husband has had in less than two years. I am sure he will be fine but there is just so much ….I cant even begin to describe.

I feel bad about being upset and even cranky with mmy friends these last few days. I am trying to ride out an emotionl time and have used this blog to express some, not all, of my feelings, and I am afraid it sometimes doesn’t make sense to many and probably may seem hurtful to others. I don’t know.

Talking about things is always best. In absence of that, holding situations and people in your heart is all you can do, yet sometimes my heart is a turbulent place so whoever I put in there with me may be along for a bumpy ride.

Why are we hardest on the ones we love most? I have said before that perhaps it is because we know they will always love us back. They will forgive our stupidness, etc. because they love us

Forgiveness is something I have been studying for a while now.

I can usually rationalize every bad thing I have ever done to a person, I can rationalize every bad thing someone has done to me.

When I really really can’t understand why someone has done something bad to me, especially if it is in the past and something I thought I had gotten over and I keep going back to when I am upset….that is when I should recognize that it is me I really really need to forgive most.

When I can recognize and forgive my lack of understanding,
I can then forgive people who hurt me.

Recognizing your own lack of understanding can be egoblasting and heart wreching. It is not necessarily easy, but once done...it is healing for all involved (I hope)!

Clarify expectations:
This is number one rule of servanthood.
A servant needs to know what her responsibilities are.
There are lots of other servants in the palace. What are my duties?
What do the people I serve need from me?

Usually the best thing to do for the “Master” is anything that helps Him get His job done. What is His big picture? what are His goals? what is His desire?

It seems in my experience as a Servant working for the Master, preventing bottleneck is a major responsibility. Helping keep open and moving the flow of "information" between the Master and all of his people so everyone can do their part, so no part is hindered, is one thing a trusted servant does.

Rise out of obscurity into clarity.